On Edge

I just got off work at the grocery store nearby. It’s a boring job, but I guess it pays decently. Enough to at least make rent. Today I decided to walk to a lighthouse before I went to my apartment. It’s an okay apartment, I guess. There’s nothing special about it, but it’s a place to live for the time being. Someday I hope to get out of there, but that day is a long way from now. Might as well visit this lighthouse as I have nothing better to do. The few friends I do have are all busy tonight. That’s fine, I can enjoy some free time to myself. I figure I might as well take in the sunset before I take my place under my sheets watching everything on my laptop.

There’s a cliff here under the lighthouse. A very steep cliff. They say that the lighthouse is due to fall off the cliff once it erodes enough. I sit at the edge of the cliff, my legs hanging off the edge. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to just jump off the cliff? Not in a suicidal way, of course (maybe a little bit). Just imagine the idea of falling from an edge like this into the sea below, how thrilling it would be, how wild it would be, makes me consider it. Of course I wouldn’t do that, as that would mean certain death, but it is something I tend to think about a lot. Almost as much as the vastness of the universe, and how we all are so small here, but that’s just me.

Looking into the sea rushing against the side of this cliff, I wonder what other people who come into contact with me think. Do they think I’m weird? Am I weird? Do people get the impression that I’m someone who they shouldn't be involved with? That may be the case, but at least I feel I’m interesting.

A strong gust of wind starts blowing. Wait, what if that’s not the case? What if it’s because I’m not interesting at all to most people? What if that’s the reason I don’t make many friends? Am I so bland, that they are repulsed by my presence? Well, I do go to Starbucks a lot. Is that what gives other people the impression of my boring, uninteresting personality? Do they get so repelled by surface level details of me, that they don’t feel they should know more about me? What do they know‽ They don’t know me! Why do they get to judge me based on a first glance‽ I’m interesting! I’m special in my own way! They don’t know what they are missing! Fuck them!

The wind changes direction. Who am I kidding here? I could grow horns and bat-like wings and open the gates of hell to allow demons to make themselves at home on earth, and even then I wouldn’t be considered anything special once big daddy Satan shows up. Maybe I should just scoot my butt off this cliff and fall to my death on the rocks at the bottom, just to get it over with. What’s the use of me in this world? I’m not an artist; I’m bad at social interaction; I can speak for long periods of time on very few subjects; I feel like I don’t know anything; and I majored in something that has no real world use. I don’t even think I could become a teacher in what I majored in! That would require social interaction skills, something I failed at in college, and it wasn’t just in the course. I can’t believe that I didn’t even meet one new friend there.

The wind dies down. I sigh and cover my face with my hands. Why am I such a failure? I just don’t know what to do now.

I feel tears running down my face, then my hands. I could become a YouTuber. That’s an option. Actually it isn’t. I just said I wasn’t artistic, and I’m not pretty or rich enough to vlog, funny enough to be a gamer, or smart enough to game the system. I’m truly stuck. There’s nothing I can do. I don’t matter.

I stand up and walk away from the cliff edge, before I actually start really considering jumping off. I’m truly worthless. I don’t have any pull on the world. I’m just…normal. I’m no different from anyone else, just less social. So why don’t I feel I fit in this world? If I’m just like everyone else, why can’t I find a comfortable spot to put myself, like the cog I am? I barely different but I don’t fit anywhere.

Walking away from the edge of the cliff, I only have one thing to say about that last thought: “What a dumb paradox.”

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